


stand-in

by bitterheart



Category: SK8 the Infinity (Anime)
Genre: Eventually Requited Love, High School, Jealousy, Kissing, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 11:09:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29900202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitterheart/pseuds/bitterheart
Summary: The first time Kojiro and Kaoru kiss, only one of them means it.Kojiro doesn’t want to be a stand-in for Adam.
Relationships: Nanjo Kojiro | Joe/Sakurayashiki Kaoru | Cherry Blossom, Sakurayashiki Kaoru | Cherry Blossom & Shindo Ainosuke | Adam
Comments: 28
Kudos: 372





	stand-in

**Author's Note:**

> So I didn't know how else to cope with my feelings after watching episode 9 other than to write this.

The first time Kojiro and Kaoru kiss, only one of them means it. 

Kojiro’s prepared for it. He’s seen the way Kaoru looks at Adam. The way he’s enthralled even when he doesn’t even know the guy’s real name and has only just recently seen his actual face. He knows this and he tells himself that it doesn’t matter, that he doesn’t mean this either and he’s prepared for Kaoru to punch him when he tilts his head with a grin just before they part for the night and says, _sometimes, I wonder what it’d be like to kiss you._

He isn’t prepared for the way Kaoru looks at him and, direct as always, says, _kiss me, then_. 

He definitely isn’t prepared for the way he feels when they’re nose to nose and Kaoru’s looking at him, those honey-gold eyes lancing right through his damn heart before they close that final bit of distance between them and he’s fucked, Nanjo Kojiro is well and truly fucked, because it isn’t until he’s kissing Kaoru that he realises that there’s nothing in the world that he wants more than this. 

Kaoru’s mouth is firm against his, hands flat against Kojiro’s chest. His eyes are closed and Kojiro knows, without the shadow of a doubt, that behind those eyes, it’s Adam that he sees. 

“Hm,” is all Kaoru says as they pull apart. He licks his lips and there’s a moment where Kojiro doesn’t know what to say or do, but then Kaoru pulls him into another kiss, deeper and more insistent this time. It’s all Kojiro can do to steady himself with his hands on Kaoru’s sides, eyes squeezed shut and his chest aching. 

When they pull apart, Kaoru looks dazed. It’s the expression he only ever reserves for when he’s looking at Adam, or thinking about him.

Kojiro feels a bleak kind of despair fill his gut, the same way he’s been feeling lately every time he can’t make it out at night and he’s stuck at home or at his part-time job, thinking about Kaoru skating with Adam alone. It’s worse now, knowing that it isn’t the fear of being left behind. It’s jealousy.

“See you tomorrow,” Kaoru says, getting back on his skateboard and turning down his street. 

He leaves Kojiro standing there, just out of the light pooling under the streetlamp, feeling worse than he’s ever felt before. 

In the week that follows, Kojiro kisses so many girls that he loses count. He does what he can to chase the memory of Kaoru’s lips from his mind but every girl he presses up against the wall behind the school building reminds him of how Kaoru had been firm where they’re soft. Every kiss feels like it’s missing something, until Kojiro realises that it’s the press of Kaoru’s lip ring against his mouth. 

He tells himself that it doesn’t matter. He just needs to kiss enough people to forget what kissing Kaoru feels like. It almost works, until Kaoru catches him at it one afternoon.

It’s the girl Kojiro is kissing who notices before he does. She squeaks with surprise, ducking out from under Kojiro’s arm and running off without another word. Kojiro’s heart pounds harder than it was when he was kissing. He’s slow to turn around, and the lazy grin he’s already wearing disappears when he sees the way Kaoru is frowning at him.

“I was looking everywhere for you.”

“Well, you found me.”

Kaoru’s frown deepens. Kojiro hates this feeling, like there’s a rift between them where there never was before, and it’s one of his own making.

“What are you doing?” Kaoru asks quietly, stepping closer to Kojiro. “Have you just decided to kiss your way through our entire school year?” 

“What does it matter?” 

“It doesn’t,” Kaoru snaps, too forcefully for it to be the truth. “I just thought, when you kissed me that night, that you felt something.” 

Kojiro laughs, ugly and angry and everything Kaoru doesn’t deserve. Kaoru has no idea just how much Kojiro feels. How much he’s drowning in it. 

“Do you want me to kiss you again that badly?” 

Kaoru scowls at him, grabbing Kojiro by the lapels of his blazer and pulling him close. This kiss isn’t tentative like their first one, or insistent like the second. It’s pure frustration, given an outlet that Kaoru never had before. One that maybe Kojiro should never have given him. 

“I know,” Kaoru says bitterly, against Kojiro’s mouth. “I know he doesn’t feel the same way. He’s on a different level and I can’t reach him. He’s never going to look at me the way—”

“The way you look at him?” Kojiro asks, holding Kaoru’s face between his hands. He frowns. “The way I look at you? Did you even notice, when you were too busy looking at him?” 

Kaoru’s brows knit together. He looks so upset and Kojiro hates him a little for the fact that even now, he feels worse about the fact that Kaoru’s hurt than the fact that he is too. He hates himself for it even more. 

“I shouldn’t have kissed you,” Kojiro mutters, dropping his gaze to Kaoru’s lips. He can still feel the phantom pressure of Kaoru’s piercing against his own lip. “I’m not what you want.”

“I can’t _have_ what I want.” Kaoru laughs hollowly. “But you…”

This time, it’s Kojiro’s turn to grab Kaoru by the lapels. He shoves Kaoru against the wall hard enough to make him wince, then steps into his space with a scowl. 

“You think this is what I want? To be your goddamn consolation prize? To kiss you and know that every single time, you’re wishing I was him instead?” 

“What do you want me to do? Watch you kiss everyone else instead while knowing that you want me? Knowing that you’re just too stupid to take something that’s being offered to you?” 

Kojiro balls his hand into a fist, feeling his entire arm trembling with anger. “This isn’t how I want you. If you can settle for second-best, fine. I’m not about to do the same. I’m not letting you use me like that. If you want to admire Adam even if you know he doesn’t return your feelings, fine. Just don’t drag me into it. You can go meet up with Adam yourself tonight, I’m not coming.” 

“Kojiro,” Kaoru calls out, but he doesn’t look back as he leaves, seething the entire way home.

He tries to be productive that night, actually doing all of his school work and struggling through calculus where he would usually just save it for when he could ask Kaoru for help. He does chores around the house, to the point where his parents get suspicious that he’s going to ask for a favour, or for forgiveness. He does everything he can to keep himself busy and to tire himself out, and he’s still wide awake when he would usually be sneaking out to meet up with Kaoru and Adam. When the clock ticks five past their usual meeting time, he’s lying awake in bed feeling miserable and lonely, and he knows it’s his own damn fault.

He brushes Kaoru off at school the next day. Two of the girls from the class next door are flirting with him and while he would usually make his excuses to leave when he sees Kaoru, he doesn’t this time. 

“You’ve been annoyingly difficult to get a hold of all day,” Kaoru tells him at lunch time, standing over him with arms folded.

Kojiro looks up lazily from his sandwich, leaning back against the fence around the roof. “Really.”

“You’re avoiding me.”

Kojiro looks around them. “On the rooftop? Where I always sit?”

“You know what I mean.”

With a hum, Kojiro turns his attention back to his sandwich. “No I don’t.”

He lets Kaoru storm off with a growl. He lets Kaoru stay angry with him all week, barely speaking to him, not showing up to skate with him or with Adam. He absolutely hates it. The loneliness eats away at him and the boredom is worse. He doesn’t know what to do, whether to just resign himself to this feeling forever, when he hears the thudding of footsteps climbing the stairs and coming towards his room.

When his door bangs open, Kaoru is standing there scowling at him.

“Get up.” 

“What are you—”

“Get. Up.” Kaoru walks over to where Kojiro is sitting on his bed, grabbing him by his loose tie and pulling.

“Whoa, whoa!” Kojiro stumbles to his feet, one hand around the knot of his tie so it doesn’t choke him. “What are you trying to do, kill me?”

“If you don’t stop whatever the hell this is, I just might.” Kaoru grabs Kojiro’s skateboard from where it always rests against his desk and shoves it at him. “Let’s go.”

“Kaoru,” Kojiro protests, even as he’s dragged down the stairs, skateboard in one hand while Kaoru holds the other. “I don’t—”

“You don’t what?” Kaoru asks, once they’re out the front door. “Don’t want to skate? Don’t want to see me? Don’t want to see Adam? I know you better than that, so don’t even try and lie to me.”

“You don’t need me there. I’m just going to complicate things.”

Kaoru scoffs. “And what do you think you’ve been doing by not showing up? Do you think everything just continued as normal like you weren’t missing? It’s not the same without you. I don’t want to skate without you there with me.”

With a groan, Kojiro covers his face with both hands. “You can’t just _say_ that, Kaoru. You’re being pretty selfish, you know.”

“I know.” Kaoru turns to him, looking him in the eyes. “I’m asking for a lot. I know how you feel and I don’t want you to think I’m just ignoring that. But I don’t want to lose you, Kojiro. I started skating with you. I don’t want to skate without you. I missed you.”

“Shit. I missed you too.” Kojiro gives him a lop-sided grin. “Sorry.”

“I’m sorry too.” Kaoru holds his fist up. “Are we good?”

“Yeah.” Kojiro bumps his knuckles to Kaoru’s. “We’re good. Let’s skate.”

Adam welcomes him back without any questions, and Kojiro wonders if he knows what’s going on. He wonders if Adam is aware of how Kaoru feels, before he realises it’s not a train of thought he wants to follow. He pushes it as far out of his mind as he can, focusing on skating instead.

Then, Kojiro doesn’t really have the time to dwell on it any longer because Adam’s come up with the grand plan to start up an underground skateboarding race.

“There’s that abandoned mine nearby,” he tells them, as they skate along the waterside one night. “Like all the best tracks, it’s one of the police patrol routes but if we’re selective about when we open it and have people looking out to warn us if they’re heading our way…”

“You’ve really thought about this, huh?” Kojiro asks. He exchanges a glance with Kaoru, relieved to find that he’s just as surprised. “It sounds like fun, though. Count me in.”

Adam, superstar of the skating scene that he is, manages to spread the word easily. Others offer to set up shifts so there’s always someone watching out for patrol cars. Most of their nights are spent sneaking into the mine to set it up, making it their own. 

For a while, things almost feel normal again. Almost. Kaoru can’t always hide the way he watches Adam, and Kojiro can’t always pretend not to notice. It hurts like hell and as always, it’s worse to know that Kaoru’s hurting too. 

Except something changes. Adam changes. He goes from thrill-seeking to something worse, and much more dangerous. And he takes people with him, whether they’re ready for it or not. 

The first five victims are spread out far enough that at first, Kojiro doesn’t know what they’re dealing with. Skaters that they see at Crazy Rock regularly, until they’re no longer skating due to mysterious injuries. Broken legs. Concussions. All the sorts of things that come to be expected, when you skate long enough and hard enough, but never quite to this extent. 

It’s Kaoru who picks up on it first. He doesn’t say anything until they’re at school, and that in itself is enough of a sign that something’s wrong. Kaoru’s the one who made the rule that what happens at S stays there. He glares at Kojiro for so much as using the name Cherry Blossom anywhere else. 

“The most recent of the skaters who ended up injured,” he says to Kojiro, apropos of nothing when they’re spending their lunch break on the rooftop. “He was the one Adam was obsessing over for the past couple of weeks. The one before that, too.”

“Obsessing?” Kojiro frowns. He doesn’t remember anything like that. 

“They were all he ever talked about. How much he wanted to watch them skate. How much he wanted to skate with them.” Kaoru doesn’t look at Kojiro but the set of his jaw says enough. Kojiro is familiar with this kind of jealousy, after all. He feels it every time he notices that Karou’s attention is on Adam instead of him. 

“You think Adam has something to do with this?”

“I don’t want to believe it.” Kaoru looks miserable. “I don’t want to believe he’s capable of something like that but he seems… different, lately. He’s changed. He isn’t satisfied with things the way they are so he keeps pushing the limits. He’s going too far.”

“We’ll just have to knock some sense into him and pull him back then.” Kojiro nudges Kaoru’s shoulder with his own. “Simple as that.” 

It is, as Kojiro finds out, not that simple at all.

It’s not just that Adam is drawing skaters into dangerous races that result in injury, he’s doing it outside of S, finding remote roads and cliffsides that can function as skating tracks. Quiet places where they’re unlikely to be disturbed, and anyone too injured to call for help is unlikely to be found. 

“We have to find a way to help,” Kojiro says when he picks Kaoru up at the end of his street one night. Instead of his skateboard, he’s on his motorbike. “If we can figure out where Adam’s skating, we might be able to stop him. Or if we get there too late… at least someone’s there to call for help.”

Just like that, their nights change from skating together to riding around the outskirts of the city, finding the trail of destruction that Adam is surely but steadily building up behind him. 

“I hate this,” Kaoru says, as they sit on Kojiro’s bike outside the hospital. Adam’s tenth victim is currently being checked over for a concussion, and it doesn’t feel right leaving him alone just yet. Kaoru sighs shakily, resting his forehead against Kojiro’s back. “Ten of them. How did we let it get to this?”

“Hey.” Kojiro reaches back, patting Kaoru’s knee. “It’s not your fault. This is messed up beyond anything we could have expected.” 

Kaoru covers Kojiro’s hand with his own, linking their fingers and squeezing tightly. They stay like that, neither of them moving or saying another word, until the after hours emergency doors slide open and the skater limps out with a crutch tucked under their arm. Kojiro is the first to pull his hand away, sitting up on his bike and smiling.

“Hey. They’re letting you go home?” 

“Nothing that won’t heal. Thanks for being there. I didn’t realise Adam was so unhinged.”

“Neither did we,” Kojiro sighs. “Do you need us to call you a taxi to get home?”

“No need,” the skater says as a car pulls up. “I called my brother. I’m gonna get an earful, but it’s better than my parents. He promised to cover for me.”

“Be careful,” Kaoru calls out, before the skater can get into the car. “Stay away from Adam.”

The skater waves. “You don’t need to tell me again.” 

They watch the car drive off, and Kaoru slumps against Kojiro’s back again. 

“I’d ask if you were okay, but…”

“What do you think we are, to Adam?” Kaoru asks, his voice muffled against Kojiro’s blazer. “All these other skaters, but he hasn’t even broken us once.”

“His favourite toys?” Kojiro guesses, then sighs. “That sounds a bit heartless, doesn’t it? But I guess I feel a little discarded right now, when he has shinier toys to play with. And break.”

Kaoru clings to him, fingers twisting into the sides of Kojiro’s shirt. “…Can I stay over tonight?” 

“Of course you can.” Kojiro starts his engine. “Let’s go.”

Kojiro’s bedroom feels cramped with both of them in it, in a way it never did before. Kojiro strips down to his boxers as Kaoru pulls a spare set of pyjamas on and they crawl into his double bed. Kojiro doesn’t mean to end up on his side facing Kaoru, who sleeps on his back, but this is just his preferred side and it seems the universe isn’t done laughing at him yet tonight.

Kaoru is beautiful, even with one of Kojiro’s oversized pyjama shirts hanging off his shoulder. Maybe even more so. It’s unfair, how Kojiro has never stopped wanting him. How he doesn’t know how to tell whether Kaoru’s lingering touches these days are meant for him, or as a proxy for Adam.

“You’re thinking so hard that you’ll end up straining that single brain cell you have,” Kaoru whispers, not even looking at him.

Kojiro snorts out a laugh, kicking at Kaoru’s ankle. “Dick.”

Kaoru kicks him back and elbows him for good measure, then doesn’t pull away. 

“I’m glad you’re here,” Kaoru says softly. His hair, pulled into a side plait, is soft against Kojiro’s bare skin. Kaoru’s skin feels even softer. “I’m glad I’m not doing this alone.”

“Kaoru.” Kojiro strokes his fingers through Kaoru’s hair, pretending they’re not trembling. “You’re never alone. Not when you have me.”

It makes Kaoru turn to look at him, silent and considering. For a moment, it feels like Kaoru’s going to kiss him again. They haven’t kissed since the day they fought, what feels like an entire lifetime ago. Kojiro hasn’t stopped thinking about it even once. 

“It’s late,” he tells Kaoru, rolling over onto his other side. “Good night, Kaoru.” 

He wakes before dawn the next morning, to the sound of Kaoru getting dressed to sneak back into his own room before his parents realise he’s been out all night. Kojiro rolls onto his back, not prepared for Kaoru sitting at the edge of his bed. He ends up with his arm around Kaoru’s waist and they both freeze. 

“I’ll see you on the way to school,” Kaoru says, and before Kojiro can fully process it, turns around and presses a kiss to the corner of his lips. “Don’t be late, for once.”

Then he’s gone, leaving Kojiro alone with his heart threatening to pound right out of his chest.

“Well, shit,” Kojiro sighs into his hands, and does not get any sleep for the rest of the morning. 

He’s exhausted by the time he gets ready for school and meets Kaoru on the corner of his street. At least Kaoru doesn’t look like he’s slept since getting home either. They stare at each other for a moment, silent and awkward, until they both take a breath.

“Hey—”

“Kojiro—”

“—Kaoru. Listen. About this morning.” Kojiro rubs a hand over his face and sighs. “I’m not Adam. You know that.”

“I know.” Kaoru gives him a wobbly smile. “I wouldn’t have kissed you otherwise.” 

“We talked about this.” 

“I’m not replacing Adam with you. That’s not how this works. If it was that easy…” Kaoru trails off, shaking his head. “None of that matters. I told myself, back when we fought, that I wasn’t going to kiss you again unless I meant it. Unless I wanted to kiss you.”

“So you mean, this morning…” Kojiro begins. 

“I meant it. I wanted to kiss you then.” Kaoru tilts his chin up, the way he does when he’s being defiant. Or when he’s speaking with false bravado. “I wanna kiss you now.”

“Well?” Kojiro grins, stepping closer to Kaoru and stroking his hair. His fingers are steady this time. “Kiss me, then.”

**Author's Note:**

> Come talk to me about sk8 and matcha blossom on [twitter](https://twitter.com/kiyala)!


End file.
